Not Another My Immortal Parody
by Crab Apple Princess
Summary: Yet another parody of the infamous 'worst fanfiction ever' by XXXbloodyrists666XXX. Thanks to her for all the hours of entertainment her fanfiction has given me. It all gets a bit Monty Python at the end. T for referances to adult themes. Oneshot.


Not Another 'My Immortal' Parody

_I'm sorry but it just had to be done. I couldn't bring myself to make the spelling mistakes except for the 'author's note' and the word 'goffik'. _

_I also did a spot of My Immortal fan art which can be founded here: you-stupid-boy./art/What-Tara-Gilesbie-Needs-82835630 _

**_Disclaimer: _**_Unfortunately I don't own Harry Potter. Fortunately I do not own My Immortal._

**_NOTE: _**_The 'protagonist' refers to drugs, suicide, self-harm and other things as cool. I don't think they are cool, and I think anyone who does is sick._

**Not Another 'My Immortal' Parody**

**Dis story iz 4 goffs only!! No prepz!!**

**--**

**ONE 'GOFFIK' DAY**

Hi my name is Alopecia B'l'a'c'k'n'e's's Irritable-Bowel-Syndrome Seagull Way. I'm eleven years old (probably) and I go to a magical school in Britain called Hogwarts. Although I am only eleven I look about eighteen because I have a tortured and tragic past – I was adopted by a freak circus and forced to work for them. I have black hair that reaches to my knees and it has purple and red streaks in it. Some people tell me I looked like Hilary Duff, so I dyed my hair and wore loads of make-up to hide this fact because I'm totally 'GOFFIK'. I am as skinny as a twig, I weigh 3 stone but I am at least a D-cup and so everyone is totally jealous of me, especially preps. My eyes are purple normally, but I can make them change colour when I want to. I am a vampire too, but my teeth are perfect and always have been. I am so beautiful I can make any proper goffik man fall in love with me straight away. At home when I am bored, I often slit my wrists and rock out to the sound of Aqua.

On the first day of term I arrived at school. There was a raging blizzard and people were being swept off their feet all around me, but I don't care because I love that weather (cos I'm goffik). There were a lot of "preps" all around me – I know they were preps because some of them had blonde hair and weren't talking about suicide and other cool things. So I let loose a stream of coarse abuse at them. They stared at me because I was wearing a long cloak made out of raven feathers (cos I'm goffik), a purple corset top with red skulls on it, black knickers with 'I HEART GERARD WAY' printed on them and red lacy bits, orange fishnet tights and black combat boots with stiletto heels (cos I'm goffik). I had foundation on but I didn't need it because I am a vampire and so I have no blood anyway. I was wearing black lipstick with purple lip-liner, and I had bright green eyeshadow on that went all the way up to my eyebrows. My hair was styled into spikes, and I was wearing 23 pairs of earrings in my pierced ears. I don't get why those preps were staring at me.

"Hey, Alopecia!" said a voice to my left. I looked sexily over and saw the hottest boy ever – he had dyed black hair, white eyes and a t-shirt saying 'I REALLY LIKE EVANESCENCE THEY ARE QUITE GOOD AND VERY GOTHIC INDEED.' It was Draco Malfoy.

"Hey, what's up, Draco?!" I shouted of the howl of the blizzard. It was getting bleeding hard to walk through the storm, but I like this kind of weather. Really, I do.

"Nothing much!" Draco shouted back, almost hidden by the snow. "You are very hot and I would like to ask you out on a date to see a Die Screaming With Sharp Things In Your Head concert in Hogsmeade, the most Muggle-friendly village around."

"I love Die Screaming With Sharp Things In Your Head!" I shouted, snow flying into my perfect blood-red mouth. "I would love to come!" I really like, blizzards, I do. My make-up was running off my face and my hair was coming down, plus I was freezing, but at least it wasn't sunny. Sunny is PREPPY weather.

"I'll see you tomorrow!" Draco yelled over the storm. "We can go on my magical flying bicycle and we can do drugs and self-harm and other cool things before the show!"

"Okay!" I shouted before being swept off my feet and crashing into a tree. I love snow. And I had got a concert to go to! I was so effing happy.

NEXT MORNING

The next morning I woke up in my coffin. My coffin is carved out of stone and is lined with bright green lace and it has my teddy bear, Mr. Kill, in it. I woke up and drank some urine out of a bottle I had by my coffin. Outside it was still perfect 'goffik' weather. I was so happy because I was going to see Die Screaming With Sharp Things In Your Head today! I poured some of the leftover urine on a bowl of Count Chocula cereal, and then I got dressed for the concert. I put on a long black see through dress and I didn't bother to put on any underwear but I'm not a slut or anything. I styled my hair into that style, you know, the one that the woman in that band that sings about things always has. I put on my nine-inch stilettos, a pentagram necklace and eighteen pairs of earring, all shaped like skulls (cos I'm goffik). Then I had to go because it was time for the concert and I didn't want to go to my lessons because they're full of preps.

LATER, AT THE CONCERT

Draco took me to his magical bicycle - it had stabilizers and everything. He offered to drive, so I sat in the basket and we flew over the Forbidden Forest to Hogsmeade. We did drugs (like Night Nurse), smoked and listened to depressing songs on the way. When we got there, Draco bagged us a seat right at the front of the audience and we sang along to the songs. The lead singer said to us, 'Remember, suicide is a good thing, so are drugs. Have fun, children."

"Come on," said Draco, "let's go back." He was so bleeding sexy I nearly melted on the spot. My huge purple eyes changed colour to pink because I loved Draco so much.

"Okay," I said sexily, "I'll get back into the basket."

PAST EVERYONE'S BEDTIME

Well, Draco took me into the Forbidden Forest and we lay down on the ground and started making out.

"Oh Alopecia, you are so beautiful and so perfect and no other girl is like you, especially not those preps." Draco said sexily.

"I know," I said, and we were kissing again, when –

"Right, stop this!"

A man dressed in a soldier's uniform marched into the forest, interrupting Alopecia and Draco.

"Who the hell are you?" said non-canon Draco.

"This is too silly," said the man. "It started out as a nice little gothic fan-fiction, and now it's just got silly. Go on, clear off, back to your lead-lined coffin."

So Alopecia B'l'a'c'k'n'e's's Irritable-Bowel-Syndrome Seagull Way and Draco wandered away into the twilight world of Mary-Sue.

"Right," said the man, "go and read something decent, please. Off you pop."

**LA FIN.**


End file.
